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September 07, 2006

Life goes on....

Wow. It's been a while since I wrote or posted here. I know not too many people read this, so I'm not too worried about letting my audience down. I think I do this for me more than anyone else. I've decided that I'm just gonna try and write my thoughts, possibly include pictures, from now on. Soon I'll have a new page on wiseguyimages.com exculsively for photos. But I've been saying that for months.

Anyhow, I just thought I needed to record some thoughts here, so I can get them out of my head for a while. I've been slightly depressed, mostly just feeling melancholy on and off for the whole summer. Aside from the amazing time I spent in Minnesota with my family, it's been one hazy blur of work and self-loathing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some pity case looking for a pat on the shoulder and a hug. I just have a few decisions that I cant seem to make easily, which I think is quite normal.

Mostly I'm chasing my tail about what I want to devote the next decade of two of my life too. Some people are so clear-cut in their desire that they know right away, and that's good for them. I have so many ideas bouncing around in my head it makes me numb sometimes. I spend entire days doing nothing because I cant stop thinking about tomorrow. Its becoming a problem for me. But I'm climbing out of my rut. I've started taking better care of myself, eating better, sleeping more normally, by comparison, than I have in a while. But its a slow trek out of this hole.

And I still have yet to decide what I want. I think this is one of my personality flaws that I somehow inherited genetically: I cant just do it. I have to examine every possible outcome, every variable, before even taking a first step down the path. And I hate that about myself. I know what I like to do, I know what I dont, and I can see so many brightly lit streets down which to walk. Art school, photography, journalism, design - these all somehow make so much sense. Why cant I choose? It's not a question of money (sometimes), its just that I cant say with confidence "This is what I want to do."

But perhaps thats a good thing. I already stared down a road much like this and crashed along the way. Now I've come to another crossroads, one with more choices. Why cant I take the leap I did before. I think maybe I'm afriad of failing again, of somehow not turning out the way I want to. But I know, even as I think these thoughts, that they are ludicrous. Why would I want to plan out everything? That would mean no bad surprises, but it would also mean no good ones. Maybe I should just take a leap, and see where I land.